Edmonton, Alberta: A recent study undertaken by researchers at the University of Alberta caused ripples earlier last week, after it was revealed that the common Canadian Landlord shared more than 98% of its DNA with numerous species of large carrion-eating birds.
“It was really unexpected,” said Professor Liam Thompson, the lead researcher of the project at the University of Alberta. “When we started sampling the DNA of folks who owned numerous dwellings without residing in them as well as stakeholders from property management companies, we were expecting something more run of the mill. You know, like sharing most of their DNA with chimpanzees, sea slugs, or certain tree fungus. Instead, the results really blew all our expectations concerning how closely related we are to our cousins in the animal kingdom.”
While researchers have posited for years that there was a closer evolutionary link between birds who feast on roadkill and people who purchased copious amount of property for personal investing reasons, scientifically proving the correlation had been surprisingly difficult to come by until recently.
“This is a major breakthrough,” continued Thompson. “The practical applications of this research will certainly have a ripple effect in other departments of study, not just here at the university, but elsewhere in Canada.”
Indeed, researchers from other faculty were already known to be eagerly digesting the news that Thompson and his team shared. Among those hoping to build on this study, is Dr. Dina McIntyre of the Anthropology department at the same institution.
“The applications here are endless,” said McIntyre. “I mean, up until this point in time, we’ve been trying to understand what compels some people to hoard all the housing and mercilessly squeeze whatever finances they can out of their renters. We used to assume this was some sort of ancient predatory instinct that was still being activated, akin to smelling blood in the air and getting all riled up over it. But now, we know that it’s nothing so noble or heroic as that. Instead, it’s likely a sign that our society is rotting from within – it’s the godawful stench of what was once the Canadian dream now festering like a dead skunk on the highway that’s caused them to behave this way.”
Landlords themselves, however, are said to be taking the findings with a grain of salt.
“Well, people can point to whatever surveys they want, I couldn’t care less,” said Jim Pert, a spokesperson for one of the country’s largest residential property management firms. “I mean, what does it change, knowing that myself and the people I work for are currently devouring the remains of country? I still own like 50 condos and a dozen single family homes, right? So what if I like to roll around in something I find dead by the side of the road from time to time.”
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